Like a Spongeon.

I Received a rather unusual email in my inbox last night, that made me laugh, cry and throw up all at the same time, joyous occasion for all i might add. it contained no hello, goodbye or any other sort of frivolity, only the following picture:

The subject title was called 'Aboriginal Spongebob - Caught in Kalgoorlie' (can i note that this might not even be an aboriginal, it could even be an indian, or nigerian, aboriginals aren't the only dark skinned folk around, hell he could be greeek for all we know). So naturally i had to post it. But being as curious as i am, i went to source some information about this chap. This is what i found:
This skater is about 20 levels of awesome. Whoever mocked this picture up, has a really vivid imagination. Who would have thought? I know skaters love skating on giant foam mats, but its impractical and absurd, so when the opportunity comes up like thus, tis a great way to show people what you really love. Then i found this:
Surfing on Spongebob. This is just pure genius, really. After all the searching. I simply could not find any information on this 'Aboriginal Spongebob' What race he is, what hes trying to acheive. Maybe its not just that big of an internet phenomenon yet. When the man in the foam comes out and says it was he who graced the world wide web with his bohemian presence, then i will post a follow up to this. Until then, i have one more to tide you over.

Hospitality 101

There comes a time in every man's life, that he will judge himself, and either choose damnation, or awesome person. I chose the middle ground, i am a damned awesome person. Now if you take into consideration, the way i have to treat people to understand what i am saying, then you only need look at the pictures and references below this article. The answer is painfully obvious. Now here is an exercise for you all to enjoy...
Go to the person nearest to you.
Ask them to go to the toilet with you.
When they say 'no' (9 times out of ten they will) donkey punch them. (if its family, just walk away, don't make things weird).

You can donkey punch them later on if you like, take them by surprise maybe. Either way, no victim (unless its family) will go away NOT getting punched like a donkey.

People ask me (no one has me asked yet but they would if prompted, if they did ask, it would look like the above picture, presumably in interview format, with James as backup)
'How can you write such utter garbage? what do you get out of this? why are you so stupid and violent all of the time? are you upset about something? what does your mum think about this? what kind of shit is this? why are you so absurd? you are filth!'

The last question was more of a statement than anything, but if you wrote it like this: 'You are filth?' with a question mark next to the last word, it automatically transmorphs it into a question, thus making it seem as if they are not sure if i am filth or not; which is up to them to decide. (general answer - no i am not filth)

With all the above and more, in mind, have a nice thursday night, and i shall be back to deliver more advice from beyond the realms, now that i am back from the Amazon.

Back Is It That I Am? YES!

Back is it that i am? Can it be, that after a three year trip to the sweltering trudge that is the Amazonian Jungle, that i can finally let you know, that i am alive and well? Other than being slightly jotled and disturbed by my experiences in the Amazon, encountering many an Aconda, and many a canibale, i am very much alive.
To this i say Yea! To which thou reply Nea! To which i say Hea? Lets get on with it shall we?

Conquest: Travelodge

The day was as black as the ace of spades. I reeled as a bit of rock slashed my left upper cheek bone. It drew blood. My loyal concubine dabbed at it with a cold compress. We had long since started on our quest to seek the Commodore Hotel to find refuge against the coming horde. Three days had passed, since we stepped foot out on to Fitzgerald street and made our way south, to get to our destination.

After two and a half days of walking down the same street and not finding the place we were looking for, we stopped in to BWS to ask for directions. I waited outside, as my courageous offsider asked the kind sir at BWS where the hell we were and where we could find the Commodore Hotel. We both knew that this would be a major setback, because we knew that the diabolic monstrosities would be surely on our tail. My ruby haired mistress emegred out of the bottle-o, and pointed us back the way which we had came. So on we walked. Sure enough, we decided to make a rash decision and turn a corner. The gargantuan sign labeled 'Commodore Chateau' leered overhead. It was here all the time, I thought to myself. The demons must have tricked us to slow us down! We found the entrance which had blazing white and red signs above it naming the hotel 'TRAVELODGE!!!'. Suspicious was I, as we leapt into the doorway. My concubine asked if they knew were the commodore was, and they were quick to reply...

'You're in it fuckstick!' My sweet sweet lady was quite shocked by the appaling mannerisms of the dirty great big oaf with a whacking stick, and was soon to quip back:
'Well then check us in you hairy nob!'
'Orite' He replied in strong cockney.
'Now, we are under the name Harry Houdini and Miss Trumpet'
'Orite, wew, va compuer dunt look like she up wiv va daisy's at va mowment, eres ya key, yer in room numba ait undred and wun, now fack orf!'
'Ta' Replied My Lady snatching the keycard out of the slimey cockneys hands. She then proceeded to bang her fist on the table repeatedly until it hurt. We walked to the elevators.

I kissed my darling tenderly as the elevator ascended. The sound of the ping rung my ears from side to side, as the doors slid open. I stepped out and froze, my beauty followed and i whispered harshly to her,
'Don't move...' She switched her head to her immediate right, only to lay eyes on what had made me frezze moment before. It was Noob Saibat, the dreaded shadow ninja from the forbidden zone.

He stood silently at the end of the corridor, his black shadowy clothing loking like a silouhette against the sun drenched window.
At the end of that corridor was our room. He waited there because he knew we needed to get there. There was nothing I could do, so I ran to him, screaming his name. I lunged at him, but he swiftly moved to my right and I fell into the ground.
I got up quickly not wanting to be an easy target, and I aimed double legged kick at his stomach, he didn't anticipate this, and the force of my legs threw him against the wall. I got up completely and elbowed him in the face. Blood squirted onto my dirty elbow. I then proceeded to take hold of his neck and slap him hard across the face. I then held his head and brought it down on my knee. A cracking sound echoed down the hallway, and my concubine took a run up from the other end of the corridor and king hit him the face. He started to pummel him rather violently, as i took hold of a giant boulder and lifted it above my head to bring it down on top of Noob Saibat. I flung it maddeningly. It connected with his head, merging it with the carpeted floor. Noob Saibat was no more. To make sure he was completely dead, I severed his achilles tendon with a blunt knife, and then put a ninja star in each of his wrists and cut his hands off. Should he decide to rise again, he would not be able to walk, or kick, or punch, or speak, or look, or listen, or read, or play a guitar. He was dead, even if he decided to come back to life.

We left the mutilated Noob Saibat infront of our Room door, where we neednt be bothered with him anymore. I walked into the badly lit room, and put my heavy backpack down. My red haired beauty followed. I sat down on the bed, with blood caked all over my elbows and knees. My woman sat on my lap and touched me on the cheek with a hand of so soft, and a kindness unknown to me. I couldn't help but think, that we probably wouldnt make it through this. She knew it also. Bu i knew that if I was destined to go down, I was destined to take as many of those slimey bastards with me as I could.

Potato Mashing in the Toilette

So I made some mash potatoes the other night. I boiled the potatoes which took a fairly long time, then i tried pulverising them with a fork. This somewhat qualifies for a hard act to proceed with. So i went to K-Mart in Armadale, because there isnt one in perth, to get myself a Potato Masher. I looked at all the brands, all varying between 3 and 5 dollars, thinking, is it really worth it? Should i spend up to 5 dollars on somehting i can easily do with a fork? Then i saw one for $1.60. I squealed in ecstasy, and snatched it from its throne. I was ultimately happy about it. I skipped all the way to the isle, put it down and walked out. Then i troddled off to Puffin Fresh Donuts, to buy myself a Blueberry Custard Delight instead.

The Story Goes...

The day was bleak, the sky was a dull grey. I was just casually walking down the strata, and i bumped into a very hot lady, with fabulous extremities. I planned on not saying anything at all, but she initiated a stopandchat before i took a step by her.

'Jesus christ you are one hot fuck,' She quipped
'I know,' i replied,
'I want your body next to mine, in my king size bed with silk sheets,' She once again chirped,
'Sorry, but i prefer cotton more than silk, silk gives me a nasty rash on my fisher,'
'Whats a fisher?'
'Well my dear lady, its the little flap of skin that extends form the rim of your anus.'
'We can change the sheets to cotton if you want, or we can do it on the floor,'
'I am sorry, but i am already in a superb relationship with someone i love,'
'I can kill her, lets go!'
'I'll not let you lay a hand on my red haired beauty,'
'The fuck you will,' She snapped
'I'll fucking kill you,' I snapped back
'Oi, just come to bed, i want you inside me,'
'The only thing you will have inside you is a sharp spear if you dont leave me alone,' she grabbed hold of my arm very tightly and i couldnt get loose.
'Come with me hot stuff,' she whispered and dragged me along.
'Come with you i will never! Let go of me!' She let go.
'Just come to my house, man i want to have dirty sex with you,'
'Never shall i feast upon a slimy vaginal opening of a beast so slitherous, and vile,' and she grabbed me again, 'I am a taken man, and to prove my loyalty i shall smite you!' I yelled.

I took her by the head and banged it into a brick wall three times. She still had hold of my arm, her ruby red nails dug into my tanned flesh. I put four fingers in her mouth and a thumb beneath her chin, and clenched my fist, and pulled down. Her jaw came down with a snapping sound. Her claws retracted out of my arm, and she fell with a thud. I walked on, bleeding from the arm. I continued my voyage to the Service Station, and popped in to grab myself a Magnum Ego, before troddling off back home to surprise my lovely girlfriend with a Tim Tam Cornetto!

I walked down my street towards home, and as i approached the white house which i live in, i found the door open with a trail of blood leading in. I bolted, icecream in hand. I as soon as i hit the floorboards i slipped on the reddish black blood that trailed its way in through the hall. My head turned right, to find a little white object on the floor. I picked it up, it was a tooth, and its was only then that i knew who had found its way to my house. Then I heard a scream. It was my girlfriend. Shit, i knew i had to help her, so i ran to the sunken part of the house where the kitchen dwells. There she was, the lady whom i had encountered not more than fifteen mintues ago on Fitzgerald St walking to the Servo. Her jaw hung low, and was slanted to the left slightly, my girlfriend had a butter knife in her arm, where the monster had tried to get her. Blood seeped out of the poor girls arm, as i retracted it, and threw it at the beast that approached us. It clocked her right in the eye, and she fell backward. But she got back up and lunged at my girlfriend, i pushed my lovely out the way onto a couch, and pushed the rotten beast forward onto the other couch. This time she didnt have a good chance at getting up, for i belted her with a roundhouse kick in the face; you could hear her neck give way.

I took my girlfriend and assured her that she was dead. To prove my point, I took a large stick and belted her on the back with it, not a flinch. I embraced my red haired beauty, and took her outside, and we watched the sun lower its fiery appearance give way to a full blooded bushfire moon. The reddish apperance left no surprises, we knew what was to come, but we were prepared...

A Warning To All Visitors

Not no more than few a week ago, yours truly had a lovely woman over, who happened to stay the night. In the morning it was decided that she would devour a bowls worth of Fruity Loops. So she washed a dirty bowl, dryed it, put the Fruity Loops in, followed by a splash of milk. What she did realise not, was that the milk was long gone. She saw the lumps come out, and had warned me.
'Poppycock dear!' I cried, 'The milk in the carton you hold in your pretty little hand, was used in my cereal just the morn of yesterday, and it tasted of sweet beauty!' To prove her point, she called me to the kitchen sink, and let stream, the contents of what remained in the carton of milk. The lumps came out thick and strong, and the urge to regurgitate was upon me. The smell wafted over under my nostrils, but i resisted the urge.
'Down the sink tip it, my dear!' I yelped in fear. And thats exactly what she did, along with the bowl of Fruity Loops she had tainted with this treacherous poison. But alas, the Fruity Loops did not want to flush. So leave it we did, and hungry we did go.

This Teacake Is Neither What I Deserve

This teacake deserveth i do not, what evil lieth in thy bowels of this contraption of a souffle? The
answer not lieth in which we seek but in our exit of life itself guys. Look at your cake next time...

Metros Look As Gay As This

IAVSI (I Am Very Special Indeed)

All Noodles ATTACK

It all started with an experimental cook up,
involving Chicken, Sweet and Sour Kan-Tong,
and Fettucine 12. I put the chicken in, and
browned it, followed by the Kan-Tong.
For times sake, I Cooked the Fettucine 12
simultaneously. Once the Fettucine 12 was ready,
i added it gradually to the mixture. Finding
that I had too much Fettucine 12, i left some out.
So it got jealous and tried to eat my face.
Try this recipe, but only use half a pack of
Fettucine 12!

500 grams Chicken strips, (or cut your own)
1 Jar Kan-Tong Sweet & Sour stir fry.
1/2 Pack of Fettucine 12!

Enjoy!!!

Squiggles for Mr Douglas

It seems that i have once again soiled my good person image and have drawn a ponographic picture onto my friends resume, and have gotten him into some employment trouble. This is an apology, dear god i am so sorry god i am sorry, sorry oh god.

What A Lovely day!

HELL, I Want to go to hell. Take me to hell, I want to meet Satan. Hell is where i want to be take me to hell, hell, hell. Oh deary hell man oh take me there.